Wikipedia:Peer review/Lesch-Nyhan syndrome/archive1

Lesch-Nyhan syndrome

hey there i just finished this article and i'd like some comments or ideas for improvement, oh and also i need an image, any image that would be suitable so i can get it to feature status. --Larsie 17:14, 8 Nov 2004 (UTC)

It does need some overall copyediting, and many terms need simpler in line explantions. Also carefully consider many of the redlinks and see if they either already have their own article named something else, or if they really are notable enough to have their own article. The genetics section needs a clearer explanation of why it only effects males. The fact that women have two X chromosomes would not necessarily entirely preclude the disease from occuring in women, I believe a problem in one of the X chromosomes can cause some genetic diseases. Why does it not in this case? I was trying to think of a way to fix it but the entire paragraph needs to be re-ordered to fix that and make it clearer. Check the featured article criteria, the article needs explicit references. - Taxman 17:22, Nov 8, 2004 (UTC)

• Just breaking it up into briefer paragraphs would be a start. Very long paragraphs tend to "exhaust" the reader and they quickly lose interest. -- RJH 23:09, 8 Nov 2004 (UTC)

• ok so i got rid of most of the red and will porbably write article to get rid of the rest, iadded more references and also re-formatted the paragraphs and headings/subheadings etc. how does it look now??? --Larsie 23:15, 9 Nov 2004 (UTC)

I think it is a bit too full of jargon. Who is your audience? Osmodiar 15:51, 23 Nov 2004 (UTC)